being a teenager? nope no thanks never signed up for this @ life goodbye thanks for having me
seriously though, mood swings are so annoying. in the space of about five minutes, I can go from feeling like I just won a lifetime supply of concert tickets to literally wanting death.
help?
the thing is, I never really feel in-between. think of extreme happiness, then the most negative thing you've ever felt; usually, your feelings will fall into the grayscale between the emotions, right?
not mine haha kmn
most of the time, I either want to scream with frustration/sadness/anger, or I want to scream with happiness/excitement, there's no in between. and it's not because I have a particularly turbulent life- if anything, my day-to-day life is painfully average. so nothing controls my feelings, they just come and go as they please, which makes life very confusing. basically, I can be having a theoretically really bad/really good day, but that has no effect on my emotions, and in either of those situations, I could still feel on top of the world or rock bottom; the events happening around me have nothing to do with it.
the thing is, I just so happen to be extremely good at concealing said feelings, or 'bottling them up', some might say. the only difference is, when they get too much (daily, since they're so extreme), I still refuse to take them out on anyone. boxing is a pretty good solution, or just internal screaming hA great
however, the alternative to uncontrollably feeling too much is uncontrollably feeling nothing, which I have also experienced, but much more rarely, and it is ten thousand times worse.
so I try not to complain.
another problem I have is something which I used to refer to as being 'spaced out', until I discovered that being spaced out is associated with dissociative disorders such as depersonalisation and derealisation, which are both horrible things and I don't want to be misdiagnosed with something a lot more serious than what I actually feel.
the best way of describing it is that my mind and thoughts seem completely zoned out of and detached from my body. almost as if my physical presence is six feet in a different direction from my mental presence. as i said, it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it can last for days.
during my occasional 'spaced out' periods, i often find myself going into something which I refer to as my 'autopilot' mode. basically, i can have whole conversations which make perfect sense, but I don't even realise they're happening. and the second they're over, I've completely forgotten everything that happened. you can see how much of an inconvenience that can be. sometimes I'll feel like I haven't spoken for a while, then I'll realise that I'm literally talking as I think that (I'll then stop talking in surprise, but obviously I have no idea what I was saying, so I can't finish it, which makes for a very awkward explanation to whoever's expecting me to finish the sentence (or a hasty trip to the toilet to escape the conversation).
oh, that's another thing, toilets. weird, ik, but this isn't going in the direction you think it is. toilets are an easy escape out of any situation, and I often have to compose myself for no apparent reason, so I use the toilets as an excuse to hide for a few minutes. at first it was rare that I'd do it, but now, I'm finding myself planning events around non-suspicious time to excuse myself. it's probably unhealthy for more than one reason.